Welcome to my humor blog where I offer my take on: Life - that crazy stuff that happens on the way to your dreams *** Liberty - to Snippet on any subject that pops into my brain *** and the Pursuit of Happiness - both yours and mine.

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Monday, September 23, 2013

Cougar Town



Had an interesting talk about cougars with my daughter the other day. Not the four-legged mountain kind, the two legged she-cat kind. 
            “If I wasn’t married, I could be a Cougar,” I said.
Composure regained after a five minute laugh attack, my daughter dabbed the tears from her eyes. 
“No, Mom, you can’t.”
I tried not to be offended but it wasn’t easy.
            “Well, why not?  I’ve still got some game … kinda.”
            “Not to make you feel bad, but you’re missing the top three requirements necessary to be a Cougar. One, you’re not rich enough. Two, you’ve never had Botox. Three, you’re too old.”
Not rich enough? Doesn’t a good sense of humor and cooking a mean pasta sauce count?       Oh …yeah. Older woman + younger man + no money = no honey. Made sense.
No Botox? Maybe I should call Angie at the dermatologist’s office and swap my age spot removal treatments for poisonous injections into my forehead. No good. that would ruin my chances of winning the Only Middle Aged Woman in the Los Angeles Area Who Never Tried Botox Annual Award.
Too old? Okay, that hurt.
            “Well, exactly how old is a Cougar?” I asked, my curiosity getting the best of me.
            “A cougar is a forty-something woman dating a twenty-something guy, Mom. Think you missed the boat on that one.”
“Only by a decade or two.
            I wasn’t going down without a fight. I had to rally for all those non-cougar-wannabes who got their senior discount at the carwash.
            “Then what would you call someone in my age bracket dating a young guy?” I asked in desperation.
            She shuddered. “Scary.”
I gave it one last shot.
            “C’mon, it’s not that horrifying. Work with me here. How about Silver Fox or Golden Gazelle?
“Give it up, Mom.”

 “Maybe Post-menopausal Panther or maybe … wait, don’t walk away… how about……?”

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Jurassic (South) Park

 
Happened to notice a re-run of Jurassic Park on TV the other day and chuckled to myself. If I want to watch “dinosaurs”, all I have to do is step onto my patio. I’m convinced our back yard is a magnet for all God’s creatures that creep, crawl or fly.
           We have psychic reptiles …
Even though I don’t live in the desert states of Arizona or New Mexico, beyond the safe-haven walls of my house, a plethora of reptiles lie in wait to flash their sneaky smiles when I least expect it. Various lizards (I think they’re related to each other) have staked their claim to the East and West walls, wood pile, and storage shed areas of my yard. If you dare to approach their territory, they squint their beady little eyes, then slither around in a frenzied reptilian dance that seems to warn, “Come any nearer and I’m gonna run into your house, hide under your bed until you get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, then strategically position myself at the base of your toilet.”  Note: I get their message loud and clear - I’m staying away.


Strange birds ...                                                                                                           We love the hummingbirds that bathe in our little waterfall and gather round our five feeders. Sometimes, hungry hummers will fill a few feeders to capacity, while others hover in a holding pattern waiting for their turn. It’s true, I have photos.  But misguided bird species have appeared in our yard as well. Like the huge white heron I spotted taking an afternoon stroll on the lawn or the gray egret perched in our plum tree. Note: These are both water fowl. Those crazy birds would have to fly over a mountain range to get from the ocean to our house.
        Mutant bees…
One day I was busy playing “hearts” on my computer when I heard an odd buzzing sound. Thought I’d pushed the wrong button, butt-dialed You Tube or needed a hearing aid. As the sound grew louder, I noticed a few bees gathered on a low-hanging tree limb outside my window. In less than five minutes, the group of a dozen or so bees ballooned into a swarm of millions. Okay, maybe not millions, but definitely hundreds. After several calls to local bee exterminators, I was informed that the swarm probably stopped to take a little “siesta” as they migrated south but should disappear within twenty-four hours. However, if they were still hanging around, I needed to call the nice beekeeper again to come out and rid my tree of the swarm for only one hundred fifty dollars. Such-a- deal. Note: This unusual phenomenon occurred three times in our yard.
        And don’t even get me started …
On the savant raccoons, opossum Adams family, wily coyotes or phantom squirrels that wait until the dark of night to plunder our garden, pillage our fish pond or prune our avocado tree.

I heard Jurassic Park IV comes out in 2015. Oh, Mr. Spielberg, have I got a location for you!