Welcome to my humor blog where I offer my take on: Life - that crazy stuff that happens on the way to your dreams *** Liberty - to Snippet on any subject that pops into my brain *** and the Pursuit of Happiness - both yours and mine.

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Monday, October 28, 2013

The Scarlett Syndrome


I’m suffering from chronic Scarlett Syndrome, aka: procrastination.  The symptoms are easy to identify. When pesky tasks nag for completion, the words of Scarlett O’Hara echo in your head, “I won’t think of it now. After all, tomorrow is another day.”

Memory indicates that the Scarlett Syndrome must have infected me when I was a youngster.

“Marcia, did you mail that thank you note to Aunt Mary for the birthday present she sent you last month?” my Mom asked for the umpteenth time.

“No problem. I’ll take care of it tomorrow.”  One week before my next birthday, Aunt Mary held my note in her hand.

The syndrome reached epidemic proportions in my academic years. For example, a months-long book report assignment, now due in a few days, necessitated my spending an entire weekend reading three Pearl Buck novels in Reader’s Digest Condensed Books and missing a date with the senior class president. I never forgave Pearl Buck and never did understand what was so Good about The Earth anyway.

Over time, you’d think I’d have recognized the symptoms and consulted a specialist on how to cure the syndrome. But, like Scarlett, decades later I’m still putting off until tomorrow what I should be doing today.

“Did you call the washer repairman? I’m running out of clean underwear,” my husband Garth asked six days after the machine stopped working mid-wash cycle.

“No problem. I’ll take care of it tomorrow. And don’t worry, push comes to shove, you can always wear a pair of mine.”  I try to be helpful.

It’s not that I don’t want to handle those annoying tasks. More important things seem to crop up in the mean time - like plucking my eyebrows or clipping coupons.

Then it dawned on me. The reason I haven’t cured myself of this perverse syndrome.

I work better under pressure.

Back in the day, I could finish my kid’s science project (complete with exploding lava), bake six dozen brownies for the school sale, type up three months of PTA meeting minutes and pack my husband’s suitcase for a week long business trip, in one night with time to spare. No problem.

Of course, I was much younger then and operated at warp speed on three hours sleep. Now it takes me a lot longer to accomplish something as simple as going to the supermarket once a week.

 “Uh, Marcia, when are you going to the store? We’re down to one box of tuna helper and a stalk of wilted celery.” Garth nags for no apparent reason.

“No problem. I’ll take care of it tomorrow. Have you checked the freezer?”

At long last, I’m proud to announce that things are gonna change. I’ve taken a vow to rid myself of that nasty Scarlett Syndrome once and for all. I’m swapping my “World’s Greatest Procrastinator” badge for one that reads “Do it NOW.”  I’ll clean the house, wash the clothes, read my book club book and finish my to-do list on time and on schedule. No problem.

But I’ll take care of it tomorrow.  After all, tomorrow is another day.”

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

The Gadget Queen


My friend Ellie loves cooking gadgets. She loves them so much, Ron “Ronco” Popeil’s phone number is on her speed dial. Rumor has it she once offered her daughter-in-law two grand if she named her first born AsSeenOnTV.  Ellie has so many gadgets, QVC sends her two dozen roses on her birthday.

This fascination with teckky stuff eludes people like me, who are still having a hard time calling out on their Jitterbug cell phone.

One time when I was visiting Ellie for a week, I offered to make my special shrimp fried rice for dinner.

“El, can I borrow your blender? Just need to mix a quick sauce.”

Before I finished my sentence, the Kung Foo Ninja Mega Blender Kitchen System was on the counter. It had so many attachments the Starship Enterprise could use it for spare parts.

I was stunned. I still have the Osterizer I got for a wedding present in 1970.

“Do you have a smaller blender, El? I really don’t need all this equipment.”

“Don’t be silly,” she said, “the Ninja can blend in a flash and even wash itself when we’re finished.”

Too intimidated to give it a try, I left the sauce making to Ellie and asked for a pot to boil water to make the rice.

“Oh no, use this instead. My Induction Heating Pressure Neuro Micron -ZX2950 rice cooker and warmer is much better than a pot.”

Houston, I think I have a problem.
 
The ZX2950 was the size of a small bathtub and Ellie explained that when you’re not using it to make rice, the cooker doubled as an essential oil aromatic facial sauna.

Impressive.

I left the rice steaming to her, found the cutting board and selected a knife from the holder on the kitchen counter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.
 
Uh, oh.

“Just need to chop a few veggies for the meal.”

“With a knife? Why would you use that when I have a Supersonic Nicer Dicer Electronic Easy Vegetable Slicer?”

Why indeed?

Exhausted from watching Ellie haul seven hundred pounds of cooking gadgets on and off her kitchen counter, I called it an early night.

“See you for breakfast,” Ellie said. “I’ll have a surprise ready for you in the morning. I’m going to make it with my Single Gear, Single Auger Masticating Fruit Juicer.”

Can’t wait.


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

The 15 Minute Solution


Know how to Balance the federal budget? Hand the bill to six female Baby Boomers having lunch. They’ll get it balanced in fifteen minutes and include a tip for the Secretary of the Treasury.
The discussion might go something like this:
“Ladies, as your designated accountant, here’s where the budget stands.  We have seventy-five billion dollars to divide up between us.  Mary, you ordered the extra asparagus so you need to give up three billion of your Agriculture Dep’t. dollars and give them to Susan for her Dep’t. of Energy.”
“Why should I be penalized for having an extra vegetable? That’s not fair.”
“Yes, it is fair because the asparagus was imported from Timbuktu instead of grown here. You should’ve stuck with the corn. Susan ordered the protein shake, so she needs the extra money for her Dep’t of Energy.”
“Sally, you got the low-cal lunch – good job. As a bonus, we’re deflecting seven billion from the Dept’ of Education over to your Dep’t. of Health & Human Services. Obviously, you’ve educated yourself enough on health issues and are doing your best to defray Medicare expenditures.”
“Linda, you drove all of us here, so you get a boost of ten billion to your Dep’t. of Transportation allotment to cover your gas and carpool pick-up costs. And let’s not forget we need to set aside an extra 15% of the total budget to give to Trixie and her Dep’t. of Labor for waiting on us. Sally, you have a question?”
“I object. We didn’t get good service. Why should Trixie get a full 15%? That’s over eleven billion dollars. I don’t think we should give her department extra money for poor service.”
“Good point, Sally. But fiscal trends point towards twenty percent labor charges now - bad service or not. Why don’t we compromise on 17%. That gives Trixie a bit less than thirteen billion?  All those is favor?  Good.”
“Last but not least we have to determine which department gets the overflow billions. Personally, I think it should go to Anne’s Environmental Protection Agency. She did some amazing research to find this restaurant that specializes in organic food.”
“Excuse me, Madame Accountant, but Jane’s pick for next month’s luncheon location has the most divine d├ęcor. I think we should award her Dep’t. of Interior the extra billions.”

“Great suggestion, Linda.  All those in favor? Good, that was easy. Budget balanced. Shall we order dessert?  It’s on the House.”