My friend Ellie loves cooking gadgets. She loves them so much, Ron “Ronco” Popeil’s phone number is on her speed dial. Rumor has it she once offered her daughter-in-law two grand if she named her first born AsSeenOnTV. Ellie has so many gadgets, QVC sends her two dozen roses on her birthday.
This fascination with teckky stuff eludes people like me, who are still having a hard time calling out on their Jitterbug cell phone.
One time when I was visiting Ellie for a week, I offered to make my special shrimp fried rice for dinner.
“El, can I borrow your blender? Just need to mix a quick sauce.”
Before I finished my sentence, the Kung Foo Ninja Mega Blender Kitchen System was on the counter. It had so many attachments the Starship Enterprise could use it for spare parts.
I was stunned. I still have the Osterizer I got for a wedding present in 1970.
“Do you have a smaller blender, El? I really don’t need all this equipment.”
“Don’t be silly,” she said, “the Ninja can blend in a flash and even wash itself when we’re finished.”
Too intimidated to give it a try, I left the sauce making to Ellie and asked for a pot to boil water to make the rice.
“Oh no, use this instead. My Induction Heating Pressure Neuro Micron -ZX2950 rice cooker and warmer is much better than a pot.”
Houston, I think I have a problem.
The ZX2950 was the size of a small bathtub and Ellie explained that when you’re not using it to make rice, the cooker doubled as an essential oil aromatic facial sauna.
I left the rice steaming to her, found the cutting board and selected a knife from the holder on the kitchen counter.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Just need to chop a few veggies for the meal.”
“With a knife? Why would you use that when I have a Supersonic Nicer Dicer Electronic Easy Vegetable Slicer?”
Exhausted from watching Ellie haul seven hundred pounds of cooking gadgets on and off her kitchen counter, I called it an early night.
“See you for breakfast,” Ellie said. “I’ll have a surprise ready for you in the morning. I’m going to make it with my Single Gear, Single Auger Masticating Fruit Juicer.”