The Mannogram

As my annual mammogram approaches, I can’t help but ponder how different this test might be if a man had to have his parts squeezed between two x-ray plates.

“Okay, Sir, take everything off from the waist down and put on this dressing gown, open in the front. Bring your wallet with you. Yes, sir, I realize there aren’t any pockets in the gown. You’ll just have to carry the wallet. Yes, I know that might be a bit difficult while you’re trying to hold the front of the gown shut, but it’s necessary for security purposes. When you’re ready, have a seat on that chair and I’ll call you as soon as I can. Yes, sir, it could be a bit drafty, but I’ll try to get to you shortly.”

 “Mr. Jones, you’re next. So sorry for the wait. That’s true. I’m sure twenty five minutes seemed like a long time to sit on a cold chair wearing only a flimsy gown, but there are many mannograms scheduled today and we’re doing the best we can.”

“Please put your wallet down over there and stand in front of the x-ray machine for an adjustment. No,sir. I mean adjustment of the machine…to the proper height. Keep your arms at your side, stand straight. Just relax, Mr. Jones. I’m going to lower the machine now so it’s positioned properly.”

“Ready? Here we go. Lowering…a bit lower…oh my…lower still. Wow!  I mean, good, it’s in position.”

“Can you stand bit closer, please? Thank you. Now I’m going to pull and stretch to be sure we get a good shot of the glandular material. Oops, sorry. Did that hurt? I’ll try to be more gentle,  but I need to be sure I get a clear shot of all that dense tissue. We don’t want to have to re-take the photos, now do we?

“Okay, perfect. Now here’s what will happen. The plates are going to lower and compress your…things. It might pinch a bit and you could experience slight discomfort from the pressure of the plates smashing your…errr…as the x-ray plates compress. But it shouldn’t be too painful.”

“Ready to go, Mr. Jones. Please don’t move while I duck behind the lead lined radiation protective wall. What’s that? Oh no, Sir. I assure you there’s no reason for alarm. The radiation zap will not cause any harm or dysfunction…at least I don’t think so.

“Hold your breath…don’t move…one, two, three – done. You can exhale now and I’m going to turn your…I’m going to re-position things to get another view.”

“Let me just twist this a bit to the left…excellent. Hold your breath again, Mr. Jones.  What’s that? You already were? No need to do that prematurely, Sir. Just wait until I’m finished.”

 “Taking the picture now.  Exhale. That’s it, Mr. Jones. A photo finish! That wasn’t so bad, was it? What? Oh, yes. The redness is perfectly normal and the soreness should dissipate within a few hours. You did a great job, Mr. J. see you next year.”

Yep, I’m convinced. If men had to get their stuff squished on an annual basis, I’d bet a new procedure would be developed within a week.  I just wish some inventor would bite the bullet and give a mannogram a try.  If for no other reason than to report to other inventors to get the show on the road and come up with something better.

 I’m sure I speak for every woman on the planet when I say, “We’re waiting.”