Welcome to my humor blog where I offer my take on: Life - that crazy stuff that happens on the way to your dreams *** Liberty - to Snippet on any subject that pops into my brain *** and the Pursuit of Happiness - both yours and mine.

If your funny bone's been tickled, why not share with a friend? It might be just what they need to brighten their day.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Simply Having a Wonderful No-Mall Time

I've sworn off shopping at the mall. At least for this year’s presents. Every Christmas season I vow I’m not going there—and every year I give in. But not this time!  All gifts are purchased and I haven’t stepped foot in that place.
Are you wondering what’s wrong with shopping at the mall during the Holiday season? Are you daft?
Guess I’ve got my Scrooge on, but no-mall shopping has nothing to do with crowded parking lots or jammed stores or…. It’s the people who think their list is the only one that counts that kinda ruin the hustle and bustle for everyone else. N’est-ce pas?
Ranker.com recently posted their list of the 10 most annoying TV hosts. Some of the “winners” were not happy.
So, in the spirit of giving, I’ve decided to post my own “Top 10” list. I expect some of my winners won’t be happy, either. No biggie. Most likely, they won’t recognize themselves anyway.
No-mall shopping may put a damper on the ho-ho-ho to some, but it’s lifted my spirit considerably to give vent to….
  “The 10 most annoying people you encounter while shopping in a mall”
#10. The people who pull clothes off the racks for a look-see—and leave them tossed over the top of the carousel. Hello. This is not your closet and I’m not your mother. Hang them back up.
#9. The people who try on shoes from the sale rack—and leave their abandoned assortment scattered all over the floor. I’m not your maid, either.
#8.  The people who blare into their cell phone while paying for their purchases—and ignore the cashier and anyone else within twenty feet of where they’re standing. Honestly, we don’t care if your sister’s ex-husband may or may not show up at the holiday dinner. Stifle.
#7. The people who won’t let you go ahead of them in line—and stare at your one item, knowing they have more than ten. It’s fine. Not to worry that I’m on Medicare, have arthritis in my hands, no strength in my arms and need to go to the bathroom. You first.
#6.  The people at the register who decide to help the person calling on the phone—while you stand in front of them ready to pay. Really, I don’t mind waiting. I’m sure the person who couldn’t bother to actually come into the store is much more important than I am.
#5. The people at the register who fold the clothes or gab about the weather—and 20 people are fidgeting impatiently in the check-out line. It’s so nice that the company manual emphasized your need to engage with the customer. Too bad you didn’t read the part where they tell you to stop yappin’ when things are really busy.

#4. The people who wait until all their items have been wrung up—and then begin digging in their purse looking for their wallet. How many years have you been shopping? Do you pay every time? ‘Nuff said.
#3. The people who work in the kiosks hawk their wares as you pass by—then chase you half way round the mall if you ignore them. It’s not that I don’t want to get sprayed with something, have my feet massaged or have a body part engraved. I’m just in a hurry.
#2. The people who ignore their screeching toddler—and decide it’s best to continue shopping during nap time. Have you read the “Baby Wise” book? I might suggest you ask Santa for a copy.
#1. The people who ignore the fact it’s the middle of cold season—and don’t wipe their kid’s snotty nose. Buy a box of Kleenex…please!



Friday, December 12, 2014

Christmas TV for Crying Out Loud!

Does anyone need a good cry? Just turn on the TV and you’ll find a plethora of sappy Holiday movies that will fit the bill. 

In our local guide, instead of rating the movies by stars or thumbs-up, this month you’ll see pictures of little Kleenex boxes. “Christmas Miracle” and “Comfort & Joy” each earned four tissues. Those should be your first choice.
The Hallmark and Lifetime channels are definitely leading the line-up of sugary Christmas flicks like “Window Wonderland”, “Under the Mistletoe” and “Dear Santa”.
It’s not that I’m a heartless Scrooge, but let’s be honest. How many of these overloaded saccharin-fests can one watch without a visit to the dentist?
My taste leans toward the Holiday Classics. What’s better than chomping on popcorn watching Alastair Sim in “A Christmas Carol” or that little gum-snapping, sassy-pants, Natalie Wood in “Miracle on 34th Street”?

Just don’t ask me to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Not that I have anything against Jimmy Stewart, mind you. It’s his little girl I can’t stand. Her squeaky voice pierces my ears like a thousand fingernails scraping against a blackboard. Whenever I hear her whine, “Every time a bell rings an angels gets his wings”, I want to pour acid in my ears.

Between you and me, my favorite is National Lampoon’s “Christmas Vacation”. I’ve seen it a zillion times and still belly laugh whenever Cousin Eddie empties his RV’s latrine down the sewer in front of the Griswold’s house. Now THAT’S a heartfelt Christmas tale!
If you’re like me, and a good Christmas cry isn’t your thing, don’t despair. There’s something for everyone this Holiday TV season.
   Movies featuring wannabe celebs:
          “Christmas Angel in the House” with K.C. Clyde & Kari Hawker 
          “All About Christmas Eve” with Hallie Duff & Chris Carmack    
   Christmas Action:
          “Holiday Heist” or “The Santa Switch”
   Christmas Comedy:
          “Christmas Under Wraps” (get it?) 
          “Meet the Santas”(must be a Flockers take-off, it was on at midnight)
   Naughty(?) Christmas Specials:
          “Kristin’s Christmas Past”, “Love at the Christmas Table” or 
          “Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus”

Don’t worry if you missed any of these great holiday movies. I’m sure they’ll be repeated…and repeated…and repeated. You see, these are only two nights of TV listings—so you still have a dozen more to go.
It’s enough to make anyone cry!

Monday, December 8, 2014

The Possession

My hand mixer is possessed. 

I know this because:
A.  It makes an ungodly noise when you turn it on.
B.  It only pulsates on two speeds—fast and warp.
C.  It’s a Black & Deck’er.

Just made my first batch of Christmas cookies. 
Things were going great until I stuck the beaters into the mixture of flour, butter and sugar. The batter mysteriously flew out of the bowl…and splattered itself across the front of my red shirt (warning: never wear red when flour is involved). 

I thought I had done something wrong, but then I remembered I was using the hand mixer from hell—the one that needs an exorcism. 

Last year my old one died when I was in the middle of mixing a batch of thick-batter cookie dough. I had to stir the rest of it by hand. At the risk of further indulging in a Laura-Ingalls-Wilder-pioneer-woman-fantasy, I immediately drove over to Walmart and bought the cheapest one I could find. After all, a mixer is a mixer, right?  

Do not be deceived!

So, innocently, I dragged it out again this year. My first mistake was not remembering I had a devil of a time controlling the cursed thing last time I made cookies. Suddenly bewitched myself, I threw all caution to the wind and selected speed #6 to blend my batter. I swear the thing levitated off the counter. It was so loud and so screechy, you would have thought a coven of banshees had descended upon our kitchen.

Garth heard the sound and came running.

      “What the heck is wrong with that thing? Sounds like someone  
       giving a cat a bath.”

      “Nothing that Father Damien can’t fix.”

Menacing mixer or not, I gotta get those cookies made. Guess I’ll just say a few Hail Marys and pray for the best.

Honestly, I don’t know what possesses me to keep on using that demon mixer. Maybe it’s just like that old comedian Flip Wilson used to say…

       “Da devil made me do it!”       

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Survivor: Turkey

Congratulate me, folks. Like the 29 seasons of Survivor, I Outwitted, Outlasted, Outplayed and survived the curse of the Thanksgiving Holiday—cooking the big bird. OORAH!

Go ahead and scoff if you will, but how many women “of a certain age” can truthfully say they have NEVER roasted a turkey on Thanksgiving?  

I knew a woman once who tried to fake a sprained wrist by wrapping an ace bandage on her arm just before it was time to stuff the bird – but nobody bought her ploy. She was voted off the couch and forced to cook the entire dinner herself. 

When I was younger, avoiding the bird roasting was easier than earning a Survivor challenge reward. I just maneuvered to go to a relative’s house or away on vacation. When I was older, I got lucky and married someone who knew how to cook. But that’s when the game got tougher.

At first, Garth assumed the turkey task would be mine. However, he soon found out I would resort to devious manipulations to gain immunity from baking the bird.  

I Outwitted:
            Garth: “Isn’t it your year to make the turkey?”
            Me: “Nope - wrote it on the calendar - your turn.”
I Outlasted:
            Garth: “Isn’t it about time to get the bird in the oven?”
            Me: “Sorry, I have to watch the Twilight Zone marathon.”
I Outplayed:
            Garth: “I can’t cook the bird this year, I have a headache.”
            Me: “I have just the cure.”

If none of those arguments created a strong alliance, however, I pulled out the heavy artillery—my Scarlett silver bullet.

When the going gets tough, I morph into one of my Scarlett O’Hara routines. As you may recall from an earlier blog post on how I suffer from Scarlett Procrastination Syndrome, I rely on her tactics a lot.

Eyelashes a-flutter, I saunter over to Garth, and with my best Southern drawl, declare, “The preparation of such a large bird is just too, too difficult a task for poor, delicate li’l ole me. It takes a big strong man, such as yourself, to handle such an important and heavy responsibility.” 

Don’t ask me how it works, but it does. Guess it’s like finding the hidden immunity idol—you gotta know when to pull it out at the right time in order to save yourself. Now, when Garth brings up the subject every year, I just hold up a picture of Tara and he sulks off in defeat.

I think I’m getting pretty good at this. Maybe I should apply to be on the TV show. After all, I’ve been the sole survivor of the turkey tussle a lot longer than 29 seasons. I should be able to Outwit, Outlast and Outplay a few human turkeys with no problem—unless they ask me to eat bugs or something.  

Wonder what Scarlett would do to survive that tribal council?

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Get Stuffed!

Thanksgiving dinner is coming and you can keep the turkey. It’s one of those meats that keep on giving long after dinner is over—heartburn, gas, a tryptophan stupor that can turn anyone into an instant zombie. Stuffing, on the other hand, is the pièce de résistance

I tend to go old-school on my stuffing additives. You know—bacon, onion—the usual things Grandma put in the bird. I have been known to sneak in some diced apples or a few of the bagged parts, like the heart and liver. But fruit & guts didn’t play well in Poughkeepsi, as the saying goes.
So, I decided to search online for unique things people use to stuff their turkey’s carcass.  The Ideas I found were most enlightening …and entertaining. Of course, I want to share some with you—just in case you’d like to jazz things up a bit this year, too.

  • For the health conscious: Lose the bread and use quinoa or bulgur instead. Your stuffing will probably taste strange, but you won’t need Metamucil for
    a month.
  • For Italian food lovers: Just slip in some mozzarella cheese and chopped pepperoni for instant “pizza” stuffing. If you’re adventurous, drench with tomato sauce instead of gravy.
  • For an Asian twist: Use sticky rice and throw in some lap cheung, egg seasoned with oyster sauce, shiitakes, soy sauce, sugar and Shaoxing wine. I have no idea what lap cheung or Shaoxing is, but anything with wine in it can’t be all bad. 
Speaking of which, if you’re going to add dried fruit to your stuffing, “Martha Stewart Living” suggests pre-soaking them in bourbon first. I like the way Martha thinks. 

  • For a Chicago flair: What could be better than White Castle hamburger stuffing? You tear up one slider into small pieces (hold the pickles—you just want the beef, bread, and onions) for every one pound of turkey. (Note: they don’t call themsliders” for nothing). Do the math. If you’re making a 16lb. bird…need I say more? Those Chicagoans know how to eat!

  • For the snackaholic:  Jettison the bread and substitute Corn Chips or Popcorn. Sounds easy but words of caution—you need to soak the corn chips first (can you say soggy, oily mush?) and be sure the corn is pre-popped before you stuff the bird. Exploding turkey is not conducive to a festive family gathering. The biggest advantage to these additives, however, is it allows you to eat dinner, snack and watch the game all at the same time. 

  • For those with a sweet tooth:  Why not try “Twinkling Turkey”, a cornbread and Twinkie-based stuffing. You use 6 muffins and 6 Twinkies, sans filling. Don’t panic, you get to use the creme filling later by combining it with one-quarter cup of honey and brushing the mixture unto the turkey skin. Kinda fun, huh? You end up with a sticky turkey that rots your teeth.

I’m gonna keep searching for more ideas, none of these quite work for me…although the Twinkies are tempting. But I hope this has inspired you to get stuffed with style                        on Thursday. Because, after all, what completes                                    a holiday dinner better than a gallon of 
                                 Pepto Bismol for dessert?