According to the Chinese calendar, 2014 is the Year of the Horse.
According to the e-mails I’ve received lately, it’s also the Year of the Colon Cleanse.
Recently, several not-to-be ignored hot-deal coupons landed in my inbox. I’m not going to name the companies who offered these unbelievable opportunities, because they might get inundated with copious requests to provide everlasting intestinal fortitude.
Here’s deal #1 - for only $89 (an almost $200 value) you’ll get a two-day Juice & Food Cleanse System. This “system” is a perfectly measured portion that you ingest five times a day. It could be tea, juice, a packet you mix with something, a protein shake, soup, or any combo of the above. Unfortunately, when I browsed their website, I never did figure out what came with the two-day special. But, hey, the system was created by “celebrity trainers” so how bad could it be? I mean, if we can even come close to looking like Biggest Loser work-out gurus Bob, Jillian or Dolvet simply by cleansing instead of exercising for eight hours a day, why not?
Problem is, I can’t afford to spend that much money on potions, powders and teas. $311 a week buys a lot of raw broccoli and spinach, which would probably do the trick just as well.
Hot deal #2 - for a mere $45 (a $95 value) you can enjoy one Colon-Hydrotherapy Session.
I must admit, I was somewhat intrigued by the concept of therapy for your innards. Perhaps it was the glorious picture that was painted in my mind by their alluring sales pitch:
“Cleansing your inner-workings is part of regular maintenance, like hosing down your car's engine or yelling at your cat until he coughs up every last half-digested crayon.”
WOW! Can you beat that for motivation?
Not to be confused with the super-scope, colon hydrotherapy is not performed by a medical doctor. The Certified Colon Therapist (really? they have certification for that?) “is equipped to sniff out and snuff out sickness's underlying causes, be they hormonal imbalances, stress, or large carnivorous birds”. Ya can’t make this stuff up, folks.
I mentioned this idea to my hubby, Garth, after I read about it.
“Honey, I may make an appointment for a colon hydrotherapy treatment.”
“Has five years gone by already?”
“Not a colonoscopy – hydrotherapy – kinda like a spa day for your intestines.”
“Have fun. Hope everything comes out all right…hahaha!”
Yes, he actually said that.
After much thought, and a little research, I opted out of the hydro therapy treatment. If you’re curious why, they say a picture is worth a thousand words. So, here ya go…