Welcome to my humor blog where I offer my take on: Life - that crazy stuff that happens on the way to your dreams *** Liberty - to Snippet on any subject that pops into my brain *** and the Pursuit of Happiness - both yours and mine.

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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Passing The Buck

     In rare moments of financial lucidity, I ponder some of the more interesting questions regarding the present state of the economy.

     For instance, do kids still get an allowance?  I mean, what could they possibly buy for a few bucks a week…    a candy bar or snack-sized bag of corn chips?  
     How many chores would kids have to do to earn the money needed to refill their iPod with iTunes or iPad with iGames? Would they have time to go to school? Would their parents get arrested for breaking the child-labor laws?

      From what I’ve heard via the Grandma Grapevine, the current allowance rate must align with your state’s requirements for minimum wage—or the kids can go on strike.
     Sounds like a rumor, but it could be true. I spotted a chore chart on my granddaughter’s bedroom wall. Her to-do list included cute things like helped Mommy, didn’t fight with my sister, put my clothes in the hamper. All age appropriate for a small child.
     I made the assumption that her allowance landed somewhere within the fifty cents to one dollar per week rate. What I found in her Hello Kitty wallet lying on the floor, however, shocked me into reality. There was enough money stuffed in there to keep me in Cirque du Soleil tickets for years. 
     I shudder to think of the going rate for my teenage granddaughter’s allowance. Does it have to include credit cards or an IRA and full retirement benefits? 
     Trying to teach kids the basic principle of work-equals-pay hasn’t changed much over the years. It’s the bottom line that’s fluctuated dramatically. Kids today are much more dollar savvy than they were in my generation. That TV commercial with the baby consulting his brokerage account proves my point. Long gone is the thrill of finding fifty cents under your pillow left by the tooth fairy. Now its five bucks minimum or the fairy takes a hike.
     Guess that’s the thing about getting older, the only allowance one has to take into account is the waistband on your pants. And in the final analysis, that doesn’t add up to a pretty figure, no matter how you tweak the numbers.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Armchair Olympiad

Like many people around the world, I’ve caught Olympic fever - then realized it can have devastating after effects.
I calculate I’ve already spent over eight hours sitting and snacking in front of the TV watching the first rounds of competition. If I keep viewing at this rate, my posterior will be the size of Siberia by Games’ end. 

To avoid this possibility, I’ve developed a series of Olympiad-inspired exercises that mimic the actual event you are watching on TV - sort of. The ultimate goal is to move it or lose it. 
Here are the highlights:

Basic downhill - Take two straws, hold them in your hands, pump arms as if poling in snow.
Slalom - Stand, bend knees up and down while swishing left to right. This can get   tricky, but when you’ve mastered this basic movement, add in arms.
Moguls - Combine all of the above and add a hop in between swishes.
Caution: You can Super G these events by doing them in double time, which may result in a 911 call if observed by any family members who think you are having some type of attack.

Figure/Freestyle - Put on a pair of old socks. Grease bottoms with canola oil. Glide around the floors to create a pattern of your choice. Extra points awarded for multiple laps around the kitchen.
Speed - Same as above, except in overdrive.
Pairs/Ice dancing - Recruit your kid, significant other, dog or any other willing participant. Repeat freestyle exercise. You can Super G this event by using Latin music. Bonus points for performing to a Russian Mazurka.
Caution: Don’t try this on carpeting.

Luge - Lie on your back and face the TV. Lift neck and chin. Watch the entire broadcast in this position.
Skeleton - Turn over on your stomach. Repeat the remaining Luge instructions.
Bobsled - Sit on the floor with a few volunteers and wrap your legs and arms around each other (result should resemble a caterpillar). In unison, sway forward, backward and side to side.
Caution: If you’re not good friends when you start this exercise, you will be when you’re finished.

Disclaimer: There are no guarantees you will physically resemble any of the Olympic participants after attempting these exercises. However, penalties are severe - Siberia spans ten time zones.