Armchair Olympiad

Like many people around the world, I’ve caught Olympic fever - then realized it can have devastating after effects.

I calculate I’ve already spent over eight hours sitting and snacking in front of the TV watching the first rounds of competition. If I keep viewing at this rate, my posterior will be the size of Siberia by Games’ end. 

To avoid this possibility, I’ve developed a series of Olympiad-inspired exercises that mimic the actual event you are watching on TV - sort of. The ultimate goal is to move it or lose it. 

Here are the highlights:

Skiing:

Basic downhill - Take two straws, hold them in your hands, pump arms as if poling in snow.

Slalom - Stand, bend knees up and down while swishing left to right. This can get   tricky, but when you’ve mastered this basic movement, add in arms.

Moguls - Combine all of the above and add a hop in between swishes.

Caution: You can Super G these events by doing them in double time, which may result in a 911 call if observed by any family members who think you are having some type of attack.

Skating:

Figure/Freestyle - Put on a pair of old socks. Grease bottoms with canola oil. Glide around the floors to create a pattern of your choice. Extra points awarded for multiple laps around the kitchen.

Speed - Same as above, except in overdrive.

Pairs/Ice dancing - Recruit your kid, significant other, dog or any other willing participant. Repeat freestyle exercise. You can Super G this event by using Latin music. Bonus points for performing to a Russian Mazurka.

Caution: Don’t try this on carpeting.

Sledding:

Luge - Lie on your back and face the TV. Lift neck and chin. Watch the entire broadcast in this position.

Skeleton - Turn over on your stomach. Repeat the remaining Luge instructions.

Bobsled - Sit on the floor with a few volunteers and wrap your legs and arms around each other (result should resemble a caterpillar). In unison, sway forward, backward and side to side.

Caution: If you’re not good friends when you start this exercise, you will be when you’re finished.

Disclaimer: There are no guarantees you will physically resemble any of the Olympic participants after attempting these exercises. However, penalties are severe - Siberia spans ten time zones.