
I calculate I’ve already
spent over eight hours sitting and snacking in front of the TV watching the
first rounds of competition. If I keep viewing at this rate, my posterior will
be the size of Siberia by Games’ end.
To avoid this
possibility, I’ve developed a series of Olympiad-inspired exercises that mimic
the actual event you are watching on TV - sort of. The ultimate goal is to move
it or lose it.
Here are the highlights:
Skiing:
Basic downhill - Take
two straws, hold them in your hands, pump arms as if poling in snow.
Slalom - Stand, bend
knees up and down while swishing left to right. This can get tricky, but when
you’ve mastered this basic movement, add in arms.
Moguls - Combine all of
the above and add a hop in between swishes.
Caution: You can Super
G these events by doing them in double time, which may result in a 911 call if
observed by any family members who think you are having some type of attack.
Skating:
Figure/Freestyle - Put
on a pair of old socks. Grease bottoms with canola oil. Glide around the floors
to create a pattern of your choice. Extra points awarded for multiple laps
around the kitchen.
Speed - Same as above,
except in overdrive.
Pairs/Ice dancing - Recruit
your kid, significant other, dog or any other willing participant. Repeat
freestyle exercise. You can Super G this event by using Latin music. Bonus
points for performing to a Russian Mazurka.
Caution: Don’t try this
on carpeting.
Sledding:
Luge - Lie on your back
and face the TV. Lift neck and chin. Watch the entire broadcast in this
position.
Skeleton - Turn over on
your stomach. Repeat the remaining Luge instructions.
Bobsled - Sit on the
floor with a few volunteers and wrap your legs and arms around each other
(result should resemble a caterpillar). In unison, sway forward, backward and
side to side.
Caution: If you’re not
good friends when you start this exercise, you will be when you’re finished.
Disclaimer: There are no
guarantees you will physically resemble any of the Olympic participants after
attempting these exercises. However, penalties are severe - Siberia spans ten
time zones.
No comments:
Post a Comment