I Coulda Been A (Red Carpet) Contender!

I watched the Oscars the other night and while I do like trying to guess who’s gonna take home the statuette,my main focus is on what the celebs are wearing as they glide down the Red Carpet.

Three hours before the actual start of the awards ceremony, I settled into my favorite chair, armed with a tall cold one and bag of Fritos to keep my energy up until dinner.

Garth looked at me with tears in his eyes. Most likely because he knew I’d be holding the “big” TV hostage for the next six hours.

“Why are you in front of the tube already?” he bemoaned.

Hard to believe he even asked me that question.

“They’re gonna start walking the carpet soon. I don’t want to miss what anyone is wearing.”

“Who cares?"

The man obviously hails from another planet.

“Get real, Garth. The awards are nice, but it’s all about the clothes.”

His head hanging in shame, Garth dragged himself to the “small” TV room like Dead Man Walking.

Call me crazy, but ever since I drooled over Cher in a Bob Mackie, I’ve been obsessed with the Oscar fashions on parade. I’m so bad, I even go online the day after…not to recap who won what, but who wore what…just in case I missed something when nature called.

Actually, I relish Google-ing to see if I agree with the fashionista critics choices of who’s dress was horrifying and who’s look was “all the rage”. What can I say? It’s an illness.

Not that anyone asked my opinion (which they should have) but nothing popped for me this year. It seemed like either dark-colored gathered gowns or draped pale pastels reigned supreme for ingénues, oldies but goodies and pregnant presenters alike. There was definitely a bonanza of beads & bangles and a few token doily-dresses were thrown into the mix for good measure.

Speaking of which, I do think Julia needs a new fashion stylist.  Her black lace doily-dress-on steroids was borderline Maggie Smith in Downton Abbey and LaRobert’s choice of wearing a man-shirt stuffed into the top of her strapless gown to the Golden Globe awards left much to be desired (guess Whoopi missed that memo). But I digress.

The 2013 ensembles were definitely more fun to critique. I didn’t notice any wardrobe malfunctions or peek-a-boo-boo dresses this go-round. And the only thing that came close to Melissa McCarthy in a gray draped tent last year was Liza Minnelli in an electric blue pajama set. However, the matching streak in her hair definitely added the missing pizzazz element …. not!

Those are all the meeeoowwws for now. But I’ll let you in on a little insider secret. Well, it’s not that much of a secret, really. I’m sure you already know that some of those stars get paid beaucoup bucks to wear those clothes and tout the designers who fashioned them. Shocking!

Still, if I had access to Dior Haute Couture, Vintage Valentino or even good ole Bob Mackie, I think I could do a little better…unless the price was right, of course. Meeooow.