Welcome to my humor blog where I offer my take on: Life - that crazy stuff that happens on the way to your dreams *** Liberty - to Snippet on any subject that pops into my brain *** and the Pursuit of Happiness - both yours and mine.

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Saturday, December 20, 2014

Simply Having a Wonderful No-Mall Time

I've sworn off shopping at the mall. At least for this year’s presents. Every Christmas season I vow I’m not going there—and every year I give in. But not this time!  All gifts are purchased and I haven’t stepped foot in that place.
Are you wondering what’s wrong with shopping at the mall during the Holiday season? Are you daft?
Guess I’ve got my Scrooge on, but no-mall shopping has nothing to do with crowded parking lots or jammed stores or…. It’s the people who think their list is the only one that counts that kinda ruin the hustle and bustle for everyone else. N’est-ce pas?
Ranker.com recently posted their list of the 10 most annoying TV hosts. Some of the “winners” were not happy.
So, in the spirit of giving, I’ve decided to post my own “Top 10” list. I expect some of my winners won’t be happy, either. No biggie. Most likely, they won’t recognize themselves anyway.
No-mall shopping may put a damper on the ho-ho-ho to some, but it’s lifted my spirit considerably to give vent to….
  “The 10 most annoying people you encounter while shopping in a mall”
#10. The people who pull clothes off the racks for a look-see—and leave them tossed over the top of the carousel. Hello. This is not your closet and I’m not your mother. Hang them back up.
#9. The people who try on shoes from the sale rack—and leave their abandoned assortment scattered all over the floor. I’m not your maid, either.
#8.  The people who blare into their cell phone while paying for their purchases—and ignore the cashier and anyone else within twenty feet of where they’re standing. Honestly, we don’t care if your sister’s ex-husband may or may not show up at the holiday dinner. Stifle.
#7. The people who won’t let you go ahead of them in line—and stare at your one item, knowing they have more than ten. It’s fine. Not to worry that I’m on Medicare, have arthritis in my hands, no strength in my arms and need to go to the bathroom. You first.
#6.  The people at the register who decide to help the person calling on the phone—while you stand in front of them ready to pay. Really, I don’t mind waiting. I’m sure the person who couldn’t bother to actually come into the store is much more important than I am.
#5. The people at the register who fold the clothes or gab about the weather—and 20 people are fidgeting impatiently in the check-out line. It’s so nice that the company manual emphasized your need to engage with the customer. Too bad you didn’t read the part where they tell you to stop yappin’ when things are really busy.

#4. The people who wait until all their items have been wrung up—and then begin digging in their purse looking for their wallet. How many years have you been shopping? Do you pay every time? ‘Nuff said.
#3. The people who work in the kiosks hawk their wares as you pass by—then chase you half way round the mall if you ignore them. It’s not that I don’t want to get sprayed with something, have my feet massaged or have a body part engraved. I’m just in a hurry.
#2. The people who ignore their screeching toddler—and decide it’s best to continue shopping during nap time. Have you read the “Baby Wise” book? I might suggest you ask Santa for a copy.
#1. The people who ignore the fact it’s the middle of cold season—and don’t wipe their kid’s snotty nose. Buy a box of Kleenex…please!



Friday, December 12, 2014

Christmas TV for Crying Out Loud!

Does anyone need a good cry? Just turn on the TV and you’ll find a plethora of sappy Holiday movies that will fit the bill. 

In our local guide, instead of rating the movies by stars or thumbs-up, this month you’ll see pictures of little Kleenex boxes. “Christmas Miracle” and “Comfort & Joy” each earned four tissues. Those should be your first choice.
The Hallmark and Lifetime channels are definitely leading the line-up of sugary Christmas flicks like “Window Wonderland”, “Under the Mistletoe” and “Dear Santa”.
It’s not that I’m a heartless Scrooge, but let’s be honest. How many of these overloaded saccharin-fests can one watch without a visit to the dentist?
My taste leans toward the Holiday Classics. What’s better than chomping on popcorn watching Alastair Sim in “A Christmas Carol” or that little gum-snapping, sassy-pants, Natalie Wood in “Miracle on 34th Street”?

Just don’t ask me to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Not that I have anything against Jimmy Stewart, mind you. It’s his little girl I can’t stand. Her squeaky voice pierces my ears like a thousand fingernails scraping against a blackboard. Whenever I hear her whine, “Every time a bell rings an angels gets his wings”, I want to pour acid in my ears.

Between you and me, my favorite is National Lampoon’s “Christmas Vacation”. I’ve seen it a zillion times and still belly laugh whenever Cousin Eddie empties his RV’s latrine down the sewer in front of the Griswold’s house. Now THAT’S a heartfelt Christmas tale!
If you’re like me, and a good Christmas cry isn’t your thing, don’t despair. There’s something for everyone this Holiday TV season.
   Movies featuring wannabe celebs:
          “Christmas Angel in the House” with K.C. Clyde & Kari Hawker 
          “All About Christmas Eve” with Hallie Duff & Chris Carmack    
   Christmas Action:
          “Holiday Heist” or “The Santa Switch”
   Christmas Comedy:
          “Christmas Under Wraps” (get it?) 
          “Meet the Santas”(must be a Flockers take-off, it was on at midnight)
   Naughty(?) Christmas Specials:
          “Kristin’s Christmas Past”, “Love at the Christmas Table” or 
          “Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus”

Don’t worry if you missed any of these great holiday movies. I’m sure they’ll be repeated…and repeated…and repeated. You see, these are only two nights of TV listings—so you still have a dozen more to go.
It’s enough to make anyone cry!

Monday, December 8, 2014

The Possession

My hand mixer is possessed. 

I know this because:
A.  It makes an ungodly noise when you turn it on.
B.  It only pulsates on two speeds—fast and warp.
C.  It’s a Black & Deck’er.

Just made my first batch of Christmas cookies. 
Things were going great until I stuck the beaters into the mixture of flour, butter and sugar. The batter mysteriously flew out of the bowl…and splattered itself across the front of my red shirt (warning: never wear red when flour is involved). 

I thought I had done something wrong, but then I remembered I was using the hand mixer from hell—the one that needs an exorcism. 

Last year my old one died when I was in the middle of mixing a batch of thick-batter cookie dough. I had to stir the rest of it by hand. At the risk of further indulging in a Laura-Ingalls-Wilder-pioneer-woman-fantasy, I immediately drove over to Walmart and bought the cheapest one I could find. After all, a mixer is a mixer, right?  

Do not be deceived!

So, innocently, I dragged it out again this year. My first mistake was not remembering I had a devil of a time controlling the cursed thing last time I made cookies. Suddenly bewitched myself, I threw all caution to the wind and selected speed #6 to blend my batter. I swear the thing levitated off the counter. It was so loud and so screechy, you would have thought a coven of banshees had descended upon our kitchen.

Garth heard the sound and came running.

      “What the heck is wrong with that thing? Sounds like someone  
       giving a cat a bath.”

      “Nothing that Father Damien can’t fix.”

Menacing mixer or not, I gotta get those cookies made. Guess I’ll just say a few Hail Marys and pray for the best.

Honestly, I don’t know what possesses me to keep on using that demon mixer. Maybe it’s just like that old comedian Flip Wilson used to say…

       “Da devil made me do it!”